To My Fellow Humans
I have a bone
to pick with many members of the human race. It is likely that you reading this
right now have experienced a similarly irritating phenomenon. Let me paint a
picture for you:
You are
walking down a stretch of relatively deserted sidewalk. Maybe you decided to
head down to the local coffee shop, and wanted to save a buck on gas. You—the
rebel that you are—have decided that your own thoughts are far more interesting
than ear buds or your smart phone and so are admiring the landscape. The breeze
smells fresh, but unfortunately there isn’t much to look at. There isn’t a
cloud in the sky. There is a freeway somewhere to your left. To your right is
an empty field that has failed to become interesting despite the mini-storage
facility on one corner. Intermittent cars pass by that are entirely
forgettable—except for that sexy PT Cruiser, which was packing at least 4 or 5
horsepower. Suddenly in the distance you see another person, walking in exactly
the opposite direction. He is coming right toward you. You are the only ambulating
people for several miles.
You charge up
your standard greeting and wait for the guy to look you in the eye. You even
have a number of pithy one-liners prepared if the dude seems amenable to a more
lively exchange. Yet despite the lack of anyone else around, he does not meet
your gaze, choosing rather to look at the ground. Perhaps he is shy, or doesn’t
want to appear creepy by staring at you for too long. Understandable. He
finally gets in range. As the optimum moment for a greeting occurs, you say
hello. Inexplicably, he never meets your eye, doesn’t return your greeting.
Instead he looks decidedly up and away from you as if he never saw you in the
first place.
If you don’t
have the sudden urge to reach back and slap the foo’, you might want to check
your pulse. That is easily the most annoying event in all of human interaction.
I don’t know if it has actually happened to you lately or not, but it has been
happening to me on an almost daily basis. I feel like it is our humanly duty to
at the very least acknowledge each other’s presence in this situation. “Hey,
you’re a human, I’m a human. We’re alone on this barren stretch, let’s be
friends.” Is it so stinking hard to simply incline your head in my general
direction? We are the only people for miles! What else do you have to look at?
And please
keep in mind people, an addiction to mobile technology does not excuse you from
the basics of interaction. No, listening to an iPod does not make me invisible.
Nope, not even if you’re dumb enough to spend four hundred bucks on a pair of
Beats by Dre. You aren’t fooling anyone when you bury your head in your phone,
we all know you are texting your mom. For the love of all that is good and Homo
Sapien, let’s acknowledge each other’s presence!
If you ever
find yourself in this situation, pull your hand back, don’t smack them. Instead
choose from the following list, and let the criminal know the error of his/her
ways.
1.
Just step directly in front of them. If they try
to go around, stay in front until they are forced to return your greeting, or
end up greeting the front end of a passing car instead.
2.
“Somebody needs glasses!”
3.
Right after they pass, turn around and yell,
“Holy crap, look out!” and then see what happens.
4.
If they ignore you, pick up a rock and chuck it
at their back, then do a bad job of pretending you didn’t throw it.
5.
With the utmost sincerity say, “Oh you didn’t
see me? Thank you. I have been trying so hard to lose weight!”
6.
Just start crying pathetically, and make sure
you add something about how no one notices you, and “I’m finally going to do
it.”
7.
Stick your leg out and trip them.
8.
“Gross, what is that smell?”
9.
If they are just too important to be unable to
stop texting and tweeting, simply walk into them.
10. As
they pass, turn around and start following them. Walk as closely as possible.
See how long it takes before they notice.
Together
my friends, we can fix this.
Respectfully your fellow human,
R
